a few years ago
at the drive in, the get up kids, and hot water music were on tour together
it was a few hours before the start of the show at the starland ballroom in nj
but the get up kids were no where to be found
and they were too open
they called up thursday being very unknown at this point
and coming from new jersey atdi and hwm figured they'd be down to play
so thursday opened instead and the show went greatbut afterwards the members of at the drive in and hot water music agreed that they needed the get up kids for the rest of the tour especially the midwest portion
cause the get up kids are from there obvioiusly
so they went to bed so they could get an early start in the morning to search for the get up kids
cedric, from at the drive in and chuck from hot water music got on their phones and called tim from cursive chris of mineral. conor from bright eyes (who i hate by the way) atom from atom and his package as well as chris carabba from dashboard confessional( who i also hate)
everyone agreed to help find the get up kids except conor was reluctant but then they offered to give him a bottle of vodka if he would help...so he was in
all the guys got together to talk about it
the tv was on then all of a sudden the channel "changed" the channel didn't actually change but the input changed and it was steven tyler of aerosmith . and he had the get up kids locked in a cell
and he was anally raping them hxc
and giving them head
then chris simpson of mineral said fuck the get up kids i just want to kill steven tyler
so the group sets out through yuppie town
throwin seven inch vinyls and using their special powers to kill anyone that tried to get in their way
conor oberst's power is called fevers and mirrors
cedric of at the drive in is called the one armed scissor
and chris from dbc's is called mega ovaries
on the way through yupiie town they encountered dave matthews
he said "hey what are you looking at? what are you some kind of fag? you're a gay fag fag! why do you fucking like emo anyway?>why can't you like cool music like blues traveler and barenaked ladies youre so weird dudes seriously you guay fag this is yuppie town if you go any further i'm gonna have my white baseball hatted fans kick the crap out of you"
but then they just killed the baseball hatted fans with the 7inch records
then they got to the yuppie town hs
they cruised through the hs killing the football players that tried to stop them
so they get to the end of the hs
and new found glory was there trying to pick up chicks
jordan of nfg says "hey babe, were in a band wanna go out with us
girl-"arent you guys a bit old to be hanging around high schools picking up girls? I'm a freshman, hit on someone your own age
Ian(nfg- "do you have any food? Me hungry
steve nfg-"come on honey tits, aren't you into five on one underage gang bang fucking? we want to centuple penetrate you!
girl-"God! Fuck off you shit-faced pop punk jerk offs, why don't you just suck eachothers cocks and write inane, boring songs about how no one will date you because you're fat as hell.
jordan nfg-"wow, hey guys that just inspired me to write a song check it out: "girls make me sad it is so bad, please don't be mad, i am not clad, i love you , it is true, i am blue, you are too.
cyrys nfg-"holy shit that's great were gonna make millions off that song. how do you come up with such original lyrics man? i could never write like that
jordan- yeah i'm a genius but we've still got to practice our pop punk pogo so we can look cute for teenage girls then our heros killed nfg so they go to they are almost out of town
but they have to go through a hot topic to get out of yuppie town they kill a bunch of fat girls wearing weezer shirts that tried to stop them
then sure enough rivers cuomo of weezer was there-Hi i'm rivers cuomo
"HAHAHAHAHA i'm making a fortune off of selling these xxxl sized weezer tshirts to the fat girls that hang outside of hot topics we don't even have to put out good albums anymore to sell these babies! all we have to do is hype up our huge come back into the mainstream and everyone will eat it up no matter how much it sucks its' great marketing really, insecure large girls always go for non-threatening skinny sweet dorks in glasses. and i sell 1000's of tshirts because of it hahaha i'm a genius"
"what you killed have my fat-ass fan base at the door i can't have that i'll have to take you down with my army of 16 year old asian girls"
but then the heros just killed the asian girls then on the other side of hot toopic... josh from the anniversary says-"i don't want to be in this stupid fucking story"
"the anniversary isn't emo, we hate emo! Emo is for wusses and that's not what we're all about we're real rockers!
justin(the anniversary)-yeah i mean just because we tour with dbc and the get up kids and we're on vagrand and 99% of the people who go to our shows and buy our albums are emo doesn't make us and our music emo!'
adrianne (the anniversary)-"um guys when we were emo on our first album people liked it. we were kinda good..."
Josh(the anniversary)-"bitch! we told you not to talk! It's your well harmonized vocals and excellent keyboarding that made our music sound good um um i mean emo on our first album!"
our heros got tired of listening to this so they killed them
so they go into a thrift store
and 2 guys from creed are in there talking about god and stuff then they tried to attack the heros in there helicopter that they made out of shit, because they were actually born from a piece of shit that was birthed out of eddie veddter's ass (Eddie- lead singer/guitarist from pearl jam) so they used the left overs of the shit that they were birthed from to build a helicopter so the boys go through the back exit of the thrift store and they were in a heaven like place then jeremy appears he is floating around
they ask where they are and he says "you are in my neo christian fundamentalist dimension, i am jermy egnik of sunny day real estate!"
so then chris(dbc says" so you were a really important part of starting this whole new wave emo thing back in the early 90s right?
je(sdre)-"yes, and you are my poser biitch slaves... uh uh i mean,,,uh you are my spiritual disciples.
simpson;"can you help us save the get up kids?"
je-"Silence! I know where your friends are, i sense a great deal of pain, fear, sorrow, and ass bleeding from them, their time is running out indeed."
"before i help you find them you must do me a favor. i will impart you to my wisdom of ages and you will learn why you are of emo blood
atom-"uh what the fuck is going on?
jeremy-"Listen! i will not tolerate insolence!!!
conor-"alright alright impart your wisdom already dickfore"
je-"grrrr, boys in emo bands were born different from normal boys
very few are aware of this secret
but all emo boys are born with a special set of overies in their body. these overis allow them to harness special powers of emo for the use of good or evil
these ovaries also help maintain a balance in the forces which keeps emo not entirely underground, and not entirely commercial
tim-"that is the stupidest fucking thing i have ever heard in my entire life'
chris-'uh,,,i don't know he could be telling the truth
jeremy-"listen fools!!!Haven't you ever wondered why practically all good emo bands that start to get famous either break-up or release a slew of horrible albums?
it's because their ovaries begin to recognize an imbalance in the forces when a band gets too popular or commercial! the ovaries begin to secrete special chemicals that either
1 make the guys so bitchy that they can't tolerate eachother and they break up the band
2 make the guys so tone deaf that all the new music they make is absolutely fucking terrible
3 makes the members disband and form other bands that comparatively are at best... just ok. can anyone say "jets to brazil?
atom-"no way that's fucking bullshit"
jeremy "take my story for example: first, sunny day released "diary" which became rather popular and influenced a lot of other bands
it was a very important album
then wereleased lp2 a respectable followup that won a lot of awards for its cover art.
then of course sunny day broke up and when we got back together we released "how it feels to be something on" which of cours blew cock except for the song pillars"
to put the final nail in the coffin of sunny day, we released the rising tide which proved we were no longer cappable of making decent music
and of course along the way some members were in the foo fighters and i had a solo album which were of course comparatively...ok.
conor-"if your first album diary was so great then how come you refuse to sing that song "seven off of it? that song is pretty good.
jeremy-"i just refuse to play that song because i don't want people to remember what we sounded like when we were good."
phi L2657: chuck-"hey hold on a fucking minute, cedrick and i have good third albums, your theory is inconsistent!"
jer-"yes, your third albums are pretty good. the reason for this is that since your music is tougher and less pussy sounding it's apparent that your ovaries are smaller
they have a slower weaker reign over you but don't worry they''ll kick in, you'll start to suck soon enough
ATake the dashboard confessional for example. chris's ovaries are the hugest of anybody here and he's never had a good album!"
chris-"hey that's mean you're a meanie. i was good in further seems forever, my old ban.....
jeremy-"shut up!!! ok maybe you were good in furhter seems forever but when your ovaries kicked in they kicked in stronger than anyone in the history of emo and now you're fuckin terrible!"
atom-"listen dude, i think i speak for anyone when i say we don't believe you, we don't care, and we don't have ovaries
jeremy-"oh i'm afraid some of you do believe me... what do you think simpson?
simpson-"ahhhh....it's true!!!!...wahhhhhhhhh... fuck the gloria record, fuck pop unknown, i want mineral back.... waaaahhhhh!
we had to break up after endserrenading because we knew the third album would suck!!!! waaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!! it's all true!!! it's all true!!!
conor-"shut the fuck up you whiney hick!!! it's not true get us the fuck out of here, you suck your band sucks, sue pop sucks, just fuck off!!! let us go!!!
jeremy-"uhh i was afraid it would have to come to this, but you do not believe me, i have no choice but to show you the truth with this third album.
"Demon of the 3rd album! I SUMMON YOUUUUUU!!!!!
"sos very emergency" by the promise ring came on which was avery good band before that record phi L2657: from milwaukee (yay!) conor-"aahhhhhhh!! noooooooo!! anything but that, i repent!! i repent! nooooooooo shut it offfff!!!!!
tim-"conor! help me slit my wrist!this music makes me want to die! FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
atom-" AAAAAAAhhhhhh what the fuck is that, ithat sucks, it sucks it sucks it sucks, i'll do anythign just shut it off
jeremy-"i'm sorry i had to do that but was the only way. now i have a favor to ask of you
an emo band that has been growing in popularity lately has surgically removed their ovaries because of this they are not breaking up or making bad music
the balance of emo is shifting towards the commercial side, the walls of my empire are slowly crumbling
atom-"what band is it? jeremy-"i can not tell you now, you will find in time. go to mtv studios and destroy them and keep the balance of the forces intact then i will help you find steven tyler
conor-"wait. if emo boys have ovaries then what do emo girls have?"
jeremy-".............. they have cocks now go and always remember what i have taught you!!!!
the heros cruise over to mtv studios and find 98 degrees. the boy band that never really made it
98 degrees call our heros gayfags so they kill them
they run into mandy moore and she begs them to finger bang her they refuse so she calls them gay then they accidentally go on the live set of mtv news they have to be careful on what to do because millions of teenagers are watching
*their options are- shoot tabitha soren in the guts, say vote for o town on trl today, ask 'has anyone seen my hoodie?, eat tom green's cancer ridden testicle, beat the shit out of will smith, or have sex with matt pinfield
they decide to beat the shit out of willsmith cause he is a disgrace to black people everywhere