This has been the hardest break up in my life.
I am so beyond in love with a man that never stood up for me, embarrassed me in public, made me feel unattractive, emotionally abused me, ignored me, but yet claimed to love me to extremes. i believed him but i hated the pain that came with the package.
still, i think of him every waking minute and in my dreams. was indeed an extremely passionate love that still burns but will never survive

i feel him throughout my body, my soul

another dream

had another dream about my x
its been 42 days and I've been avoiding him like crazy, but he is still occupying my heart and mind 24/7. guess I' not keeping myself busy enough to move on.

In this dream, i saw his Myspace account (btw, i think myspace sucks and i haven't used it in years. i did however, block him on Facebook).
On his Myspace account i saw that his profile picture was his new girlfriend...his new cockeyed, long haired blond, skinny girlfriend. she was so ugly but almost all of his pictures were of her. HER!!!
During our on and off year long relationship he never took pictures with me. He hated pictures and never ever ever wanted to take pictures with me. i asked him why he said "when i say no, u need to respect it" :'(
the man that says he loves me more than anything in the world, doesn't want to take a picture with me. It wasn't fair...I was completely hurt. still am. still love him but know there is no future. His Assyrian mother will never approve of a Jewish girl and i will never approve of an asshole in my family.
I also saw a short video of her in my dream of her dancing skills...She wasn't as good as me but she did the head spin well and after her show with her ugly, unprofessional, pink belly dance costume, he go on his knees and hugged her stomach.

I hate having dreams with him in them. i end up feeling anxiety for the rest of the day...maybe another 42 days are in need before i start dating again.


great. as soon as i start myspacing again i run across a recent picture of Mr.Ass and miss DD. fuck! i thought they broke up and he made it seem like he was still interested in me at his party back in january. he has no idea i still love him!
i just got back from a trip to mexico and no offance to my buddy that took me there, i could not get Me.Ass out of my head. i kept thinking up all these 'what ifs' questions. i just don't know how to get over him. its been almost two years and he is on my mind 80% of the time.

fuck this. i need to be stronger than that

fuck i hate men!!!

it was after bar close. we finished our night at Tangerine and hung out at Dino's for a bit. it was around 2:40am when i just got sick of the alcohol and the obnoxious Armenians. we finally started walking back to the car when i saw him...my lover...the asshole that i kept hidden since JANUARY! I have never had a professional relationship as i had with him..lets call him Mr. Ass. Mr. Ass is a suave man who will never allow anyone to make him look or feel stupid in public, that stuff just doesn't happen to him. he is a well respected man in the Milwaukee area and is quite popular. Therefore our secret rendezvous and affairs are top secret!

I saw Mr.Ass walking around downtown area in his fancy pants an royal blue blouse with a gorgeous blondie...with big boobs...lets call her Miss Double D (DD for short). Miss DD is also quite popular in the Milwaukee area. i have seen her in lots of clubs and bars around here and we have danced together numerous time and taken plenty of shots together. i must admit she is a sweetheart and i can't blame her for dating Mr. Ass. She, just like everyone else has no idea what i feel for him. This man is so precious to me. I have wanted him for the longest time, and never worked so hard for anyone else other than him to notice me. that was so stressful! :-(

We have shared passionate make-out sessions in elevators, business buildings, bathrooms, even Cintanni's dance floor-where i of course pushed him off me so that  his name would stay clean...We have had amazing conversations about everything: politics, nature, sex, religion...he even took me to a wine tasting...fuck i hate this guy!

No, its not that easy to erase him from my life...he is always around showing off that perfect smile of his, reeking with his delicious cologne and every word that comes out of his mouth is like music to his clients

i just don't know what to do anymore...

went to another bar last night...

this time it was judges. its a sweet place. i got in with a permit and a student ID that got expired in 2002 hahah :-P
whats sweeter is that i went with Brooke, Kurt (x bf) and Eric (Kurt's best friend) and since Kurt knows the bartender Greg, we got free drink the whole night. it was around the 3rd crandberry vodka and the 1st jegger bomb that things got dramatic and i wasn't even the one causing them! its true you guy!

I am trying to make Eric put me on his good list since the first couple of times we hung out i was really shady and at no point did i hit on him!
i also ran into a buncha Franklin people i used to party with and only one of them seemed happy to see me. every one else was too occupied with the crowd of skinny blonds that surrounded us.

As kurt brings us our 2nd jegger bomb to the table i'm spinning like crazy and don't feel like drinking anymore. i get a call from brook around that time saying she is in her car...in her car?! wtf?! why would she be there if we are all in the bar drinking like crazy!i didn't exactly even understand what she was saying to me since it was so loud inside. i started looking for Eric and Kurt cuz i wanted to tell them where brooke was.
i went to the other side of the bar when i see Eric and Kurt talknig to Eric's x gf and they seemed extremely careless about the whole "i'm about to collapse and brooke is depressed" situation. i don't blame them. they have their own shit to worry about.

I decided to walk around some more maybe to run into some1 else i knew and sure, i saw people i partied with before but couldn't remember their names so didn't bother to say hello since they were with their own click. i finally saw Brooke getting back into the bar. i was happy to see her and i ran to her to ask what happened to her when she starts bitching at me. i clearly did not need shit like that from her. she walked away and i decided to leave. i left the bar and stumbled my way out to the streets of milwaukee until i finally reached Danny's house my BFF!!! he lives on Fredrick and webster and since i got robbed on fredrick and park on July 22nd, thankfully, my BFF Danny came out to meet me on Webster and Oakland
god i love that kid so much!

When we got to Danny's house I saw Brad (the kid that i kissed on my bday). as hard as it was to ignore him and show no interest towards him i did my best and we finally got to talk. apperently the reason when he didn't call me the whole weeks and didn't show any interest was because he didn't nkow if i wanted a relationship by the way, i should have passed out a loooong ass time ago but i was determined to talk to Brad about wtf is in his mind when he is around me. so we talk and i go upstairs to use the bathroom when somehow i end up kissing brad again when i get out. how the hell does shit like that happen?!!? we make out and Kurt cals me asking me where the hell i went. it had been about an hour since i left the bar and he JUST remembered that i was with them before. i start walknig to Kurt's house in my heels and mini skirt not caring about anything all of a sudden i see Brooke's car with Kurt's hand waving out of it. i run to the car and they take me home.

As i'm in bed, kurt calls and starts bitching at me about how I was hitting on his best friend Eric NO I WASN'T ASSHOLE!!! Ever since Kurt and I broke up he has been making me feel like shit the whole fucking time by pretty much telling me that i am a fucked up person this is it! i am going to stand up for myself. from now on when kurt sends me one of his stupid ass "I'll be waiting until u relize what u lost" or "I have so many people i can be with right now and i chose u..." text messages i will tell him what is on my mind. that i don't need fuckers like him around that put me down every single fucking day by making me believe that i lost something i didn't even want! wow fuck this!
  • Current Music
    my angry self bitching in my head


my dad is fucking crazy. i want to yell at him so badly but i can't. if i yell/snap on him he won't help me out in the future when i will need him. hes doing it right now. i asked for a ride to go to rehersal and he said no because appperently i suck his blood out...wow, whats a fucking phycho! He won't shut the fuck up about me getting a job/husband i don't wanna get married at 17!!! i have worked non-stop for the past 2 yrs just to save up enough money to go back home to Israel. i'm done working! my job right now is awsome! it includes me performing once a week at a restaurant and i got anywhere from 40-60 dollars a night, is it not a good deal? i'm sure as hell enjoying it.

My dad really want me to meet this guy Andrew he is worknig with. as my dad descirbed him, he sounds just like him. Andrew is a 25 yr old douchebag with a super narrow mind who hates belly dancers, ppl just need to open up! But i guess he is very smart and is from a small town called Mashville.

My mom has been telling me not to work and not to move out, its amazing how different a couple can be...my mom;s plan for me is to go to school here in Milwaukee, become a nurse, get married, move out, find a job. sounds good right? well it was jsut 15 minutes ago when my dad stormed into my room and started yelling at me because i should not be living with him anymore, i should have a job of my own and paying for my own apartment, seriously what a jerk! how can he want his own daughter out of his house at 17?!


i just HAD to update today!

i am so sick of all those ppl around me say how much they were surprised by me when i told them i don't like them!
when i was performing at pridefest this really huge dyke was around me THE WHOLE FRIGGIN TIME!!! i mean sure, she was nice as hell and was a real sweetie but she was so abnoxious and kept shoving in my face how big of a saint/superman she is..yes, superMAN cyz shes a fucking dyke! (not thats its bad) i didn't nkow the best way to ditch her other then tell her like it is: I am a shitty person! its true!(Nick Ianelli said so himself)i can't fucking help it! i'm not attracted to anybody, i can't, i am completely Asexual! no desire to be with anything male/female! its FRUSTURATING AS FUCK!

today did not make me feel any better, this guy Mike who i really appreciated fucknig kissed me today and what am i suppose to do? turn him down?! i kissed him once and he tried going in for more until he said "u came over to my house, it was bound to happen" and i responded with "you are such a child!" how the fuck can u say this to another person?! "u came over therefor we must hook up" FUCK THAT! its not true its NOT bound to happen! not only that but i had to have a seirously LOOOONG akwrd talk with him about feelings and how sorry i am for "leading him on"(?) i guess i do it with a lot of ppl because on the way back home he asked me to tell him a story, so i told him what happened to me yesterday, about how i hung out with this dyke Bernie and as soon as i told him she kissed me he stopped and said "wow, that made me feel like an episode" oh really mike? WELL THE FUCKING TALK WE HAD JSUT MADE ME FEEL GREEEEEAT! FUCK YOU MIKE! its not jsut that, he also said he really wants to hate me, but he can't, here is a solution, GET OVER IT! apperently he really really liked me and i guess i broke his heart pretty bad all he made me feel was how shitty of a person i really am but its not just mike, its Donna (the big dyke mentioned earlier) as well, ditching her was one of the hardest things i ever had to do. i wonder what Bernie (the other dyke that kissed me) would do if she got super attatched and i had to break it to her

so all i can think about right now is making myself feel better....by stuffing this nice piece of pie into my mouth...
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated

Emo Story:

a few years ago
at the drive in, the get up kids, and hot water music were on tour together
it was a few hours before the start of the show at the starland ballroom in nj
but the get up kids were no where to be found
and they were too open
they called up thursday being very unknown at this point
and coming from new jersey atdi and hwm figured they'd be down to play
so thursday opened instead and the show went greatbut afterwards the members of at the drive in and hot water music agreed that they needed the get up kids for the rest of the tour especially the midwest portion
cause the get up kids are from there obvioiusly
so they went to bed so they could get an early start in the morning to search for the get up kids
cedric, from at the drive in and chuck from hot water music got on their phones and called tim from cursive chris of mineral. conor from bright eyes (who i hate by the way) atom from atom and his package as well as chris carabba from dashboard confessional( who i also hate)
everyone agreed to help find the get up kids except conor was reluctant but then they offered to give him a bottle of vodka if he would help...so he was in
all the guys got together to talk about it

the tv was on then all of a sudden the channel "changed" the channel didn't actually change but the input changed and it was steven tyler of aerosmith . and he had the get up kids locked in a cell
and he was anally raping them hxc
and giving them head
then chris simpson of mineral said fuck the get up kids i just want to kill steven tyler
so the group sets out through yuppie town
throwin seven inch vinyls and using their special powers to kill anyone that tried to get in their way

conor oberst's power is called fevers and mirrors
cedric of at the drive in is called the one armed scissor
and chris from dbc's is called mega ovaries
on the way through yupiie town they encountered dave matthews
he said "hey what are you looking at? what are you some kind of fag? you're a gay fag fag! why do you fucking like emo anyway?>why can't you like cool music like blues traveler and barenaked ladies youre so weird dudes seriously you guay fag this is yuppie town if you go any further i'm gonna have my white baseball hatted fans kick the crap out of you"

but then they just killed the baseball hatted fans with the 7inch records
then they got to the yuppie town hs
they cruised through the hs killing the football players that tried to stop them
so they get to the end of the hs
and new found glory was there trying to pick up chicks
jordan of nfg says "hey babe, were in a band wanna go out with us
girl-"arent you guys a bit old to be hanging around high schools picking up girls? I'm a freshman, hit on someone your own age
Ian(nfg- "do you have any food? Me hungry
steve nfg-"come on honey tits, aren't you into five on one underage gang bang fucking? we want to centuple penetrate you!
girl-"God! Fuck off you shit-faced pop punk jerk offs, why don't you just suck eachothers cocks and write inane, boring songs about how no one will date you because you're fat as hell.

jordan nfg-"wow, hey guys that just inspired me to write a song check it out: "girls make me sad it is so bad, please don't be mad, i am not clad, i love you , it is true, i am blue, you are too.
cyrys nfg-"holy shit that's great were gonna make millions off that song. how do you come up with such original lyrics man? i could never write like that
jordan- yeah i'm a genius but we've still got to practice our pop punk pogo so we can look cute for teenage girls then our heros killed nfg so they go to they are almost out of town
but they have to go through a hot topic to get out of yuppie town they kill a bunch of fat girls wearing weezer shirts that tried to stop them
then sure enough rivers cuomo of weezer was there-Hi i'm rivers cuomo

"HAHAHAHAHA i'm making a fortune off of selling these xxxl sized weezer tshirts to the fat girls that hang outside of hot topics we don't even have to put out good albums anymore to sell these babies! all we have to do is hype up our huge come back into the mainstream and everyone will eat it up no matter how much it sucks its' great marketing really, insecure large girls always go for non-threatening skinny sweet dorks in glasses. and i sell 1000's of tshirts because of it hahaha i'm a genius"

"what you killed have my fat-ass fan base at the door i can't have that i'll have to take you down with my army of 16 year old asian girls"
but then the heros just killed the asian girls then on the other side of hot toopic... josh from the anniversary says-"i don't want to be in this stupid fucking story"
"the anniversary isn't emo, we hate emo! Emo is for wusses and that's not what we're all about we're real rockers!

justin(the anniversary)-yeah i mean just because we tour with dbc and the get up kids and we're on vagrand and 99% of the people who go to our shows and buy our albums are emo doesn't make us and our music emo!'
adrianne (the anniversary)-"um guys when we were emo on our first album people liked it. we were kinda good..."
Josh(the anniversary)-"bitch! we told you not to talk! It's your well harmonized vocals and excellent keyboarding that made our music sound good um um i mean emo on our first album!"
our heros got tired of listening to this so they killed them
so they go into a thrift store
and 2 guys from creed are in there talking about god and stuff then they tried to attack the heros in there helicopter that they made out of shit, because they were actually born from a piece of shit that was birthed out of eddie veddter's ass (Eddie- lead singer/guitarist from pearl jam) so they used the left overs of the shit that they were birthed from to build a helicopter so the boys go through the back exit of the thrift store and they were in a heaven like place then jeremy appears he is floating around
they ask where they are and he says "you are in my neo christian fundamentalist dimension, i am jermy egnik of sunny day real estate!"
so then chris(dbc says" so you were a really important part of starting this whole new wave emo thing back in the early 90s right?
je(sdre)-"yes, and you are my poser biitch slaves... uh uh i mean,,,uh you are my spiritual disciples.
simpson;"can you help us save the get up kids?"
je-"Silence! I know where your friends are, i sense a great deal of pain, fear, sorrow, and ass bleeding from them, their time is running out indeed."
"before i help you find them you must do me a favor. i will impart you to my wisdom of ages and you will learn why you are of emo blood
atom-"uh what the fuck is going on?
jeremy-"Listen! i will not tolerate insolence!!!
conor-"alright alright impart your wisdom already dickfore"
je-"grrrr, boys in emo bands were born different from normal boys
very few are aware of this secret
but all emo boys are born with a special set of overies in their body. these overis allow them to harness special powers of emo for the use of good or evil

these ovaries also help maintain a balance in the forces which keeps emo not entirely underground, and not entirely commercial
tim-"that is the stupidest fucking thing i have ever heard in my entire life'
chris-'uh,,,i don't know he could be telling the truth
jeremy-"listen fools!!!Haven't you ever wondered why practically all good emo bands that start to get famous either break-up or release a slew of horrible albums?
it's because their ovaries begin to recognize an imbalance in the forces when a band gets too popular or commercial! the ovaries begin to secrete special chemicals that either
1 make the guys so bitchy that they can't tolerate eachother and they break up the band
2 make the guys so tone deaf that all the new music they make is absolutely fucking terrible
3 makes the members disband and form other bands that comparatively are at best... just ok. can anyone say "jets to brazil?
atom-"no way that's fucking bullshit"
jeremy "take my story for example: first, sunny day released "diary" which became rather popular and influenced a lot of other bands
it was a very important album
then wereleased lp2 a respectable followup that won a lot of awards for its cover art.
then of course sunny day broke up and when we got back together we released "how it feels to be something on" which of cours blew cock except for the song pillars"
to put the final nail in the coffin of sunny day, we released the rising tide which proved we were no longer cappable of making decent music
and of course along the way some members were in the foo fighters and i had a solo album which were of course comparatively...ok.
conor-"if your first album diary was so great then how come you refuse to sing that song "seven off of it? that song is pretty good.

jeremy-"i just refuse to play that song because i don't want people to remember what we sounded like when we were good."
phi L2657: chuck-"hey hold on a fucking minute, cedrick and i have good third albums, your theory is inconsistent!"
jer-"yes, your third albums are pretty good. the reason for this is that since your music is tougher and less pussy sounding it's apparent that your ovaries are smaller
they have a slower weaker reign over you but don't worry they''ll kick in, you'll start to suck soon enough
ATake the dashboard confessional for example. chris's ovaries are the hugest of anybody here and he's never had a good album!"
chris-"hey that's mean you're a meanie. i was good in further seems forever, my old ban.....
jeremy-"shut up!!! ok maybe you were good in furhter seems forever but when your ovaries kicked in they kicked in stronger than anyone in the history of emo and now you're fuckin terrible!"
atom-"listen dude, i think i speak for anyone when i say we don't believe you, we don't care, and we don't have ovaries
jeremy-"oh i'm afraid some of you do believe me... what do you think simpson?
simpson-"ahhhh....it's true!!!!...wahhhhhhhhh... fuck the gloria record, fuck pop unknown, i want mineral back.... waaaahhhhh!
we had to break up after endserrenading because we knew the third album would suck!!!! waaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!! it's all true!!! it's all true!!!
conor-"shut the fuck up you whiney hick!!! it's not true get us the fuck out of here, you suck your band sucks, sue pop sucks, just fuck off!!! let us go!!!
jeremy-"uhh i was afraid it would have to come to this, but you do not believe me, i have no choice but to show you the truth with this third album.
"Demon of the 3rd album! I SUMMON YOUUUUUU!!!!!
"sos very emergency" by the promise ring came on which was avery good band before that record phi L2657: from milwaukee (yay!) conor-"aahhhhhhh!! noooooooo!! anything but that, i repent!! i repent! nooooooooo shut it offfff!!!!!
tim-"conor! help me slit my wrist!this music makes me want to die! FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
atom-" AAAAAAAhhhhhh what the fuck is that, ithat sucks, it sucks it sucks it sucks, i'll do anythign just shut it off
chuck-"we believe!!!!!!!
jeremy-"i'm sorry i had to do that but was the only way. now i have a favor to ask of you
an emo band that has been growing in popularity lately has surgically removed their ovaries because of this they are not breaking up or making bad music
the balance of emo is shifting towards the commercial side, the walls of my empire are slowly crumbling
atom-"what band is it? jeremy-"i can not tell you now, you will find in time. go to mtv studios and destroy them and keep the balance of the forces intact then i will help you find steven tyler
good bye
conor-"wait. if emo boys have ovaries then what do emo girls have?"
jeremy-".............. they have cocks now go and always remember what i have taught you!!!!
the heros cruise over to mtv studios and find 98 degrees. the boy band that never really made it
98 degrees call our heros gayfags so they kill them
they run into mandy moore and she begs them to finger bang her they refuse so she calls them gay then they accidentally go on the live set of mtv news they have to be careful on what to do because millions of teenagers are watching
*their options are- shoot tabitha soren in the guts, say vote for o town on trl today, ask 'has anyone seen my hoodie?, eat tom green's cancer ridden testicle, beat the shit out of will smith, or have sex with matt pinfield
they decide to beat the shit out of willsmith cause he is a disgrace to black people everywhere


so i peed on the highwas///and then i went to a party on maryland
RussianAss004: then around 5:30 i went to vickies house where i drank more than at the party on maryland
RussianAss004: ..i'm KINDA seeing this bouncer guy and at 7 him and his buddies (who are also bouncers) picked me to up go to club mantra cuz apperently all the bouncers and bartenders that work in milwaukee bars were invited and only some were allowed to come also
RussianAss004: i mena.only some were allowed to bring other ppl
RussianAss004: so i got invited by this guy and he told me to pretend i'm a shotgirl at club CO2
RussianAss004: so i'm like "yes i'm Natasha and i work at co2 as a shot girl"
RussianAss004: and the bouncer from club mantra is like "yes, u look familiar but i need to see ur ID"
RussianAss004: he totally beleived me but i didn't have anything on me so i didn't get in...so instead we jsut went to george webbs which was a terrible idea cuz i was still really really drunk and fake french friens are not good....anyways i went back to his house with his friends to watch a movie, then i got dropped off at home at 10 , slept for 4 hrs, woke up at 2 and felt like shit! the end:-D

~~i'll edit the rest later...i'm poooooo lazy right now!~~


what a shitty day!

I was suppose to go shoping with one of my friends i didn't see in over a yr but she ended up being busy...so instead i went to the shorewood basketball game with Brandon Sze (2002) and his friend Roman.

Brandon and Roman picked me up around 2 and i noticed beers in Brandon's back seat
"Knock urself out!" Said Brandon..and i did!
i ended up drinking quite a few beers before we go to the basketball game.
By that time iwas sooo drunk and i started screaming "GO SHOREWOOD!!!" and i started clapping and after a while i relized i was the only one doing that so i stopped...yeaaa that was emberessing but i didn't care!!! I WAS SO DRUNK!
then we went to Mama Mia's to get food but i ended up ordering a strawberry Daquerie which had plenty of alcohol in it!

We later went to Mayfair and my head started to hurt really badly...
I got dropped off at home around 7 and i passed out!
i woke up around 9 , took a shower and was about go out again...BUT...i was soooooooooooooooo hung over i couldn't even move!
so i ended up being on myspace for a really long time until i finally got tired and went to bed around 2 AM